Fleeting Memories

I grew up in a close family.  We would always have dinner every Sunday at my grandmothers, a nice lovely lamb roast, or perhaps a fried rice with meatballs as a side dish.  We would have Christmas all together, a big family of 20+ relatives all ensuring that they kept the days around Christmas spare, as well as making an effort to see each other on the actual day.  I remember these times fondly, as it would be a chance for me to see the parts of the family that I didn't get to see as often.

I was particularly close to my Uncle and his sons.  I grew up with them.  I looked up to them.  They showed me how to tinker with computers, to question authority and to behave badly.  It was real good fun.

When I was about 19 it started.  My cousin had gone to a GP and been described antidepressants for an episode that I now realise was prodromal for schizophrenia.  He had begun to 'see things' in patterns, and had begun to think of himself as other-wordly.  It was a strange time.  I remember thinking to myself that this is a bit odd -- perhaps he drinks a little too much.  Except it only got worse over time.  When I was 21, he embarked on a journey of repeated admissions to psychiatric facilities that has continued now for a decade.

He has good days, and bad days.

Schizophrenia is a horrible condition.  It strikes people in their adolescence, at a time in their lives when the 'world is their oyster'.  That's just an awful time.  It's when a lot of people find their identities through meaningful relationships, employment and education.  It destroys people's potential.

Mental illness is something that I am only beginning to understand.  I thought that most things of this nature could be overcome.  What I have seen in the last few months, convinces me I am wrong.

Some people may still be alive, but they are shells of what they once were.

Ruminations

I'm not sure I like GP.  It's very family friendly, great hours, decent remuneration and quite varied.... the problem is, I just don't see it being very interesting.

Sure, there are the pulmonary embolisms, myocardial infarctions and major psychiatric disturbances walking through the door... the problem is that you just refer them on.

Got a cold or flu? Come back in a week if it's still there.  Then I'll refer you to hospital.

That chest pain bothering you?  To hospital you go.

What about that knee? -- I know a good orthopod.

General Practice is your everyday doctor.  Being the every day doctor really appeals to me.  The problem is, the doctor that you need every day doesn't do the stuff that really interests me.

High blood pressure?  Have some tablets.
Prostate checked this year?  I've got some gloves.
Your cholesterol is a bit high.  Exercise and eat better.

I'm conflicted at the moment.  I start my professional clinical life in 1.5 years (if I pass!).  Which way shall I go?

The sky is the limit

At times, you wonder where you will get in life.  As a child, I dreamt of the all the places that I could go, all the people meet, and all the money I could make.  As I got older, those dreams changed over time, but they always stayed large.  I, like a lot of kids, had dreams of being an astronaut, a pilot or a volcanologist.  I never recall wanting to be a doctor though.

The interesting part of being a doctor, is that depending on the culture and society you live in, it is a fairly highly respected profession.  Sure, that respect is going downhill in recent years, but people listen to what 'the doctor' says.

So what made me want to be a doctor?  To be a 100% honest, it was a few things.  None of them grand, or altruistic.  I wanted to people to listen when I talk, and I wanted them to do what I say.  Not everyone of course, just those who had ignored me in the past.

Now when I dream, it is all about medicine, and where that will take me and my family.  It seems for even poor doctors, the sky is limit there.

Still colder

It gets colder and colder.

The weather, the empathy.

I know which one is worse.

Crazy things

I really am enjoying my psych knowledge at the moment.  The problem is, I'm not sure I will enjoy psych patients.  I had a patient the other day, who was rude, abusive, and generally very unpleasant.  I'm pretty sure there was a solid underlying psychiatric illness, but I just can't shake the feeling that somehow I've done something wrong by not having empathy for that person.  I was annoyed.

A lot of people in my family are crazy.  Diagnose-abley crazy.  I have a lot of time for them, and I think I can see where they are coming from a lot better than others in my family who are not so gifted.  Why then, am I not feeling it at the moment for crazy patients?

I guess we shall see.

Finished up

So I finished my rotation in OBGYN today.  It wasn't exactly the most wonderful experience I could have had.  A friend of mine told me that midwives were colloquially referred to as 'madwives', and frankly, I can't really argue with that.  Childbirth is a special time in a woman's life.  She is bringing a special little person into the world who wasn't there before.  It is simply, amazing.

Cue the midwife.  Who basically takes over the whole experience, and decides on things that aren't really discussed with the woman beforehand.  Midwife doesn't like artificial rupture of membranes --> tells the mum it is bad for her --> mum tells the doctors she doesn't think it's a good idea.

That is a general theme which continues throughout the whole labour.  Midwives make decisions, because they know better.  Even if they don't.

As a student on an obstetric ward, you are supposed to actively find births.  I have struggled with this.  Bringing muffins, doing scut and being generally nice doesn't get you births.  Being a midwife students gets you births.  Being a medical students means you are an 'interloper'.

Originally, OBGYN was on my list of favoured medical specialties.  I would love to be part of the special experience of bringing babies into the world.

I am unwilling to deal with the crap that's involved however.

My belly hurts

Perhaps one of the most important things for learning medicine, is to get sick yourself.  I find myself surrounded by people with the empathy of a starving rat, and it disturbs me that these are the people who will be treating my friends and family at some point in time.  Some of them are young, and some of them are just plain unable to see how sickness can change someones outlook on life.  If you can believe it, some have just never truly been sick.

This is not to say I have ever been deathly ill.  I just believe that I can put myself into a patients shoes, and gain a little bit of perspective into how they're feeling.

People are scared when they are sick.  They get angry, they cry and they can also deny what's going on.

What's strange is that students seem to forget the family of the sick person.  They hurt too.

A nice play to spend eternity

What annoys me is that when I die, I won't get to live here.  Some people have all the luck.

Assignments

I've never really been good at doing assignments.  I've been okay at getting good marks... just not actually doing them.  I always leave stuff to the night before, the hour before.... the few measly minutes before.  My wife is the one who gets the crankiest at this.  And my sister of course.  It seems some people feel that if you can do better than a middling mark... why not try your hardest?  My opinion is, that if I am getting middling marks, why try harder?

I wonder if that means I'm a contrarian just for the sake of it?

A lot of the time, when I think back on it, I am a lot like this photo.  I like standing in mud, because it's fun.  It's not what I'm supposed to be doing, but it sure beats watering the garden!

Getting colder

I start on my O&G rotation on Monday.  It's a little bit scary the thought of catching babies.  There is going to be a lot of blood, and bodily fluids that I've been are great for ruining shoes.  Luckily, the shoes that I got have a lifetime guarantee.... so let's hope that the distributor makes good on that.

One thing I have noticed, is that it is going to get really hard to wake-up soon.  I don't do well in the cold.  I come from a hot country, and a hot state in that country.  The thought of waking up in the dark, in the cold... is just plain depressing.  At least I have a warm wife.

MIssing the good life

It's interesting when you think back on the moments in your life, and there is a part of you that wishes you could go back.  Wishes that you could see the sights that you have seen before.

Of course, you wouldn't be where you are, unless you made the decisions that got you there.  Ahh well

The colours of employment

This is what I see every morning.  I'm not sure it's healthy seeing the sun rise.  I feel somewhat out of touch with life, people and in general, adrift.  Ahh well.

An organised study plan

An example of how I study.  No rhyme, reason or... result. Oops.